Some people like to say that “money can’t buy you happiness” but that’s insane. Roller Coasters, doughnuts, and Netflix all cost money and they make me happier than anything free ever has. When we were kids we used to make easy money doing simple things like selling our teeth to imaginary home invaders, growing older every year, or doing child labour disguised as “chores” for enough change to buy some gum. These days most of us get up every morning and go to some office for several hours so we don’t starve to death but there’s other options for stacking dollars that we don’t even think of and it’s available to anyone with a wifi signal and a lack of self preservation.
Craig Newmark began the Craigslist service in 1995 as an email distribution list to friends, featuring local events in the Bay Area of San Francisco. It became a web-based service in 1996 and expanded into other classified categories that people then used mostly for doing gross things.
So, now that you know the history of Craigslist, let's get into some of the weirdest/worst ways we found for you to make money on Craig Newmark’s list.
Clean Horse S**t
If you left the movie theater after watching Seabiscuit and thought to yourself, “I wonder who cleaned up all of that?” Then have we got a job for you. All you have to do to qualify for this horrible job is, live in Seneca Falls (da fuck?) and be willing to work around animals, rescued from god knows where, that are large enough to kill you. Oh, also we forgot to mention that you only make $20 A DAY!?!? Form an orderly cue please…
In the 80’s and 90’s redhead’s had it pretty bad. Carrot Top wasn’t as funny, Ronald Mc’Donald was scaring everyone with the threat of diabetes, and Harry Potter hadn’t even come out yet. So for anyone old enough to remember a time when people actively sought out red heads to inflict violence towards, you’ll have to excuse us for being a bit cautious about answering this ad looking for the “real deal”. Hopefully the pale-faced person that answers this posting doesn’t end up on a milk carton.
Living in North Carolina? Do you DANCE? This person is willing to pay an unspecified amount for you to come over and roll around on their dusty hardwood floors! The use of cool slang words like B-Boy and the fact that they were definitely in a “breakdance club” should let you know it’s “totally safe” and they probably won’t “kill” and “eat” you.
There’s a lot to unpack here. Does this adult woman really need help wooing her crush? Or is this going to be presented as evidence someday in the inevitable double murder trial you’ll likely be involved in when this person’s actual plan is revealed. At least the promise of “more opportunities” means this job has room for a pay increase.
Now this is our kind of job. The parent who posted this has given us several easy-to-miss clues that tell us a number of things about this specific job. For starters, they obviously don’t give a shit about their kids safety or well being. So if you aren’t really feeling it or maybe you just hate children it won’t matter because their parents obviously do too. The fact that they chose to leave out basic grammar and spelling shows you that they really don’t have time to check up on their kid, or you. The real crime here is that school starts way too early and by the time they get home in the winter, it's already dark. The last time I can remember being up at 6:30am was probably because I hadn’t slept yet from the day before.
So there you have it. These jobs don’t pay much and they might even get you locked up in some creep’s basement but hey, $20 is $20. Goodnight!